For those of you who don't know, my living accomodations in Nigeria are far from lux and, simultaneously, far from "bush" (a.k.a "Peace Corps -style"). In fact, its probably somewhere in the gray-area in between.
I share a 3- bedroom apartment in Agege, (a slightly less developed neighborhood on the outskirts of Lagos) with 2 American women who came to Nigeria with my program, 1 Togolese-American man who is also here with the "Frontier Market Scouts" Program, and 2 Nigerian men who are the in-country representatives of the company that brought us over here. Just in case you've lost count, plus me, thats a grand total of 6 roommates. In this 3- bedroom apartment, there are 4 beds. I'll leave you to do the math.
The apartment itself is half of the top floor of a solid, concrete structure within a walled, gated compound which is, in turn, situated inside of a larger GRA (Government Reserved Area) "estate" which is also walled and gated. There is no paint on the external walls which gives off a less-than-friendly although by no means "un-livable" impression. The other house within our individual compound is under construction which means that there are always miscellanous workers coming and going and hammering and constructing and scratching themselves and going to the bathroom in the "yard" at all times of the day and some of the night. Not that I'm necessarily complaining, mind you. It is far too hot to be venturing outside the apartment walls most of the time anyway. Did I mention we also live within a stone's throw of train tracks? Did I mention that the train runs every 20 minutes or so from 5am to 10pm every single day? - Of course, anyone who has called me since I've been here knows this. Again, I'm not necessarily complaining... After the first week, I learned to sleep through it or simply plan my sleeping time around it.
Thanks in part to the faulty electricity supply of the Nigerian Power Company NEPA and the subsequent burden of having to pay for and fetch a daily supply of deisel to operate a small generator, we usually have power between 6 or 7 pm and some time around midnight when the generator runs out of fuel and we are left to sweat the night away. Although I would personally love to just approach this problem "Peace Corps Style" and set up my mosquito net outside for a cool-ish night under the starts, the generators from the neighboring compounds make it sound as though Top-Gun jets are hovering near-by. Hind-sight is a miraculous thing because at around 12:15am when I'm am wide-awake and sweating in our hot-box house, I find myself longing for the cool Niger air...and the sound of squeeky children and braying donkies.
For the most part we have running water in our apartment although occassionally, for whatever reason, the taps fail to produce fluid. Most recentlty, we have found we have running water in every room but the kitchen. There seems to be no answer as to why this is and, further more, no one has been called in to make repairs. I will admit, however, that it is a nice change to not have to fetch water from a well twice a day. Meals are cooked over a single-burner, open-flame propane stove which, although I don't mind, is certainly a step below Peace Corps. In Niger, I may not have had electricity but at least my propane tank was hooked up to a 2-range stove-top. As for refridgeration, well, there is none so whatever isn't eaten immediately must be thrown away otherwise it becomes food for Franklin (which is what I decided to name the large black rat that has taken up residence in our kitchen).
Of course, in such living conditions, with Nigerians, Togolese, and Americans together in such tight and perhaps less-than-ideal quarters, cultural misunderstanding and conflicts are bound to arise... especially given that we all not only live together, we work together. AND, adding to the tension, the two Nigerians fancy themsleves as the "boss men"- despite the fact that the Frontier Market Scouts program has us clearly listed as "collaborators and consultants" not "pee-ons and subordinates."
I have been quiet on this matter until now prefering to stick to neutral topics so as not to disrespect, offend or upset anyone but, after a rather unfortunate confrontation last night, I have found that all respect seems to have gone out the window and, as such, I feel as though I am free to describe my surroundings and give voice to my feelings.
Although the background on this whole "respect" issue is certainly lengthy, I will summarize by saying 2 things:
1. While it is true that "respect" is defined differently from culture to culture, it is also true that, based on body language, tone, and the comparative effect of how other people in that same culture treat you, there is an obvious difference between "cultural differences" and "disrespect."
2. Give respect, get respect and, in the same sense, respect is earned, not given. If your culture expects respect to simply be given by virtue of your gender alone while also allowing you to treat others as lesser human beings by virtue of their gender alone, you should articulate this to foreigners sharing your living space otherwise expect them to operate under the above mentioned principle.
The following scene is an excerpt which I have copy-and-pasted from an email I sent to back to my graduate institution. For the sake of privacy and my own safety, I have done some selective editing to remove names. I hope that, even without a deeper understanding of the history of conflict within our household, it will strike a chord with you as well:
"It is clear, after several weeks of being in-country, that despite being educated individuals who are willing to work hard and help whenever and where ever possible, we are considered little more than window dressing and are therefore unworthy of respect. When we make suggestions, we are ignored. When we ask questions, we get no response or, in some cases, are yelled at in a most unprofessional manner. When we voice our concerns, we are accused of being "impatient", "rude" and "culturally ignorant." When we ask for help, we are left to our own devices. Still, there continues to be this claim that they view us as "sisters" and "respect us like family." - if this is the way in which they "respect" members of their own family, I am shocked and, quite frankly, horrified on behalf of their families. In a previous email I listed examples of why I think this lack of respect is not merely a cultural disconnect. Allow me to add one more, recent example of such blatant disrespect:
Last night, person X stormed into the living room and immediately began rushing us to the dining room table saying that we needed to have a meeting immediately. It is worth noting that he did not ask us if we were busy or if we had time - he told us we were meeting immediately. Once we were all seated at the table, he said he wished to discuss 3 issues:
1. our patience with him as he adapts to our "criticisms" 2. issues of cultural understanding and
"appropriateness" and 3. issues of respect.
The first issue was of no real note... The second and third issues, however, blended together and stemmed from a small incident that had occurred earlier in the afternoon.
When preparing to leave the office earlier in the day, person A had come to me and asked for the key to the office. I simply asked "why" in a polite and, what I intended to be, nonthreatening and non-confrontational manner. The reason I asked this simple question is because I was in possession of the only existing key to the office and, as there had been a previous accusation of my losing a previous key, I wanted to be sure that I was not going to be further accused. Furthermore, as we all live and work together, I was wondering what the reasoning might be behind my handing over the key to person A. In any case, I still do not consider it an unreasonable question. He said "It doesn't matter. Just give it to me." To which I said "Yes, but first I would like to know why." This back-and-forth continued for a few minutes before Person A finally said "Because I need to give it to the cleaning lady so she can come in and clean the office before an interview tomorrow morning." It was a simple enough response and, as such, I gave him the key.
Once the meeting had progressed, it reached a fever's pitch regarding the above mentioned incident. Person X some-what-calmly informed me that, in asking "why" person A needed the key, I had disrespected person A in a most terrible way to which I again asked "Why?" because I am a stranger to the culture and did not understand my error. At this person A stood up and began yelling directly at me in a very loud and threatening manner, shaking and pointing his finger at me. When we tried to calm him down he increased the volume of his voice and, when Christine tried telling person X that person A's behavior was extremely disrespectful and unprofessional, person X smiply said "It's his turn to speak. Let him speak"... (notice he said "speak"...yelling is not speaking, it is attacking),
And so, person A continued to yell from a standing position for several minutes. During this display, he never once explained why my behavior had been disrespectful in the cultural context... he merelt accused me over and over again of not showing him the respect he "deserved." At first all his anger was directed solely at me and he accused me of being disrespectful in both the case of questioning his
need of the office key and in suggesting that he should be responsible for taking notes on the next weekly meeting - something else I had not realized was culturally disrespectful as we had all previously taken turns taking notes at other meetings. However, as his high volume rantings continued, he accused all of us for not "appreciating" the "sacrifices" that he and person X make for us such as riding public transportation home - and, as in the case of yesterday, taking public transportation home in the rain. (Its is also worth noting that we, the Scouts, never once asked person X and person A to take public transportation on our behalf. As I understand it, this decision was reached by members of the company staff as, with 4 scouts, 1 driver, and 2 members of the company, there is sadly not enough room to accommodate everyone in a single, 5-person car. Again, the lack of a second vehicle is not the fault of the Scouts and I find it insulting that anyone would imply that I forced them to suffer through public transport on my behalf. In fact, I would be more than willing to take public transportation myself if I were shown how and told where to go.)
After his rant was over, none of us were allowed the opportunity to respond, least of all me and although, after many more minutes of lecturing from person X, I was finally allowed to apologize to person A for any perceived disrespect, I was cut-off as I was trying to explain that I personally find it disrespectful that person A would not tell me why he needed to key - especially as it was for so insignificant a reason. At this point, I was informed that it "wasn't right" that I thought it disrespectful and although I had apologized, I never received an apology in exchange although I was certainly offended by not only his accusations but the way in which he sought to physically threaten us by standing over us, yelling, and pointing his finger violently. Needless to say, by the end of the meeting, I was extremely upset and remain so even to this point.
All of this is to prove the point that this is not simply an issue of cultural misunderstanding but a lack of respect. Although Nigerians appear to, in general, be a rather verbally expressive people, I have never once been yelled at or, in fact, spoken to in such a manner by anyone else. I believe this is because many other Nigerians recognize that, for people outside the Nigerian culture, this is incredibly rude and disrespectful and that, as guests in their culture, we are allowed a certain degree of compassion, patience and understanding. Clearly, we get none of these things from person A or person X."
Although I keep telling myself this is all part of the learning experience, I am also reminded that this is, unfortunately also a daily experience for me at both home and work. In fact, if it weren't for the support of my fellow Americans (and American-Togolese), I think I might be more tempted to look for a more homeward-bound solution to this situation.
And, of course, all of this somehow makes me look forward to my time in Togo all the more. I'm sure there will be cultural misunderstandings and I'm sure than, in time, people may even disrespect me there to but, in Togo, at least I'll have been trained to know what "respect" is in their cultural contect. And, more importantly, if everything goes to hell, at least my own house, my own space to disappear to when I just need a break from it all.
Count-down to Togo: 2 1/2 months.
I share a 3- bedroom apartment in Agege, (a slightly less developed neighborhood on the outskirts of Lagos) with 2 American women who came to Nigeria with my program, 1 Togolese-American man who is also here with the "Frontier Market Scouts" Program, and 2 Nigerian men who are the in-country representatives of the company that brought us over here. Just in case you've lost count, plus me, thats a grand total of 6 roommates. In this 3- bedroom apartment, there are 4 beds. I'll leave you to do the math.
The apartment itself is half of the top floor of a solid, concrete structure within a walled, gated compound which is, in turn, situated inside of a larger GRA (Government Reserved Area) "estate" which is also walled and gated. There is no paint on the external walls which gives off a less-than-friendly although by no means "un-livable" impression. The other house within our individual compound is under construction which means that there are always miscellanous workers coming and going and hammering and constructing and scratching themselves and going to the bathroom in the "yard" at all times of the day and some of the night. Not that I'm necessarily complaining, mind you. It is far too hot to be venturing outside the apartment walls most of the time anyway. Did I mention we also live within a stone's throw of train tracks? Did I mention that the train runs every 20 minutes or so from 5am to 10pm every single day? - Of course, anyone who has called me since I've been here knows this. Again, I'm not necessarily complaining... After the first week, I learned to sleep through it or simply plan my sleeping time around it.
Thanks in part to the faulty electricity supply of the Nigerian Power Company NEPA and the subsequent burden of having to pay for and fetch a daily supply of deisel to operate a small generator, we usually have power between 6 or 7 pm and some time around midnight when the generator runs out of fuel and we are left to sweat the night away. Although I would personally love to just approach this problem "Peace Corps Style" and set up my mosquito net outside for a cool-ish night under the starts, the generators from the neighboring compounds make it sound as though Top-Gun jets are hovering near-by. Hind-sight is a miraculous thing because at around 12:15am when I'm am wide-awake and sweating in our hot-box house, I find myself longing for the cool Niger air...and the sound of squeeky children and braying donkies.
For the most part we have running water in our apartment although occassionally, for whatever reason, the taps fail to produce fluid. Most recentlty, we have found we have running water in every room but the kitchen. There seems to be no answer as to why this is and, further more, no one has been called in to make repairs. I will admit, however, that it is a nice change to not have to fetch water from a well twice a day. Meals are cooked over a single-burner, open-flame propane stove which, although I don't mind, is certainly a step below Peace Corps. In Niger, I may not have had electricity but at least my propane tank was hooked up to a 2-range stove-top. As for refridgeration, well, there is none so whatever isn't eaten immediately must be thrown away otherwise it becomes food for Franklin (which is what I decided to name the large black rat that has taken up residence in our kitchen).
Of course, in such living conditions, with Nigerians, Togolese, and Americans together in such tight and perhaps less-than-ideal quarters, cultural misunderstanding and conflicts are bound to arise... especially given that we all not only live together, we work together. AND, adding to the tension, the two Nigerians fancy themsleves as the "boss men"- despite the fact that the Frontier Market Scouts program has us clearly listed as "collaborators and consultants" not "pee-ons and subordinates."
I have been quiet on this matter until now prefering to stick to neutral topics so as not to disrespect, offend or upset anyone but, after a rather unfortunate confrontation last night, I have found that all respect seems to have gone out the window and, as such, I feel as though I am free to describe my surroundings and give voice to my feelings.
Although the background on this whole "respect" issue is certainly lengthy, I will summarize by saying 2 things:
1. While it is true that "respect" is defined differently from culture to culture, it is also true that, based on body language, tone, and the comparative effect of how other people in that same culture treat you, there is an obvious difference between "cultural differences" and "disrespect."
2. Give respect, get respect and, in the same sense, respect is earned, not given. If your culture expects respect to simply be given by virtue of your gender alone while also allowing you to treat others as lesser human beings by virtue of their gender alone, you should articulate this to foreigners sharing your living space otherwise expect them to operate under the above mentioned principle.
The following scene is an excerpt which I have copy-and-pasted from an email I sent to back to my graduate institution. For the sake of privacy and my own safety, I have done some selective editing to remove names. I hope that, even without a deeper understanding of the history of conflict within our household, it will strike a chord with you as well:
"It is clear, after several weeks of being in-country, that despite being educated individuals who are willing to work hard and help whenever and where ever possible, we are considered little more than window dressing and are therefore unworthy of respect. When we make suggestions, we are ignored. When we ask questions, we get no response or, in some cases, are yelled at in a most unprofessional manner. When we voice our concerns, we are accused of being "impatient", "rude" and "culturally ignorant." When we ask for help, we are left to our own devices. Still, there continues to be this claim that they view us as "sisters" and "respect us like family." - if this is the way in which they "respect" members of their own family, I am shocked and, quite frankly, horrified on behalf of their families. In a previous email I listed examples of why I think this lack of respect is not merely a cultural disconnect. Allow me to add one more, recent example of such blatant disrespect:
Last night, person X stormed into the living room and immediately began rushing us to the dining room table saying that we needed to have a meeting immediately. It is worth noting that he did not ask us if we were busy or if we had time - he told us we were meeting immediately. Once we were all seated at the table, he said he wished to discuss 3 issues:
1. our patience with him as he adapts to our "criticisms" 2. issues of cultural understanding and
"appropriateness" and 3. issues of respect.
The first issue was of no real note... The second and third issues, however, blended together and stemmed from a small incident that had occurred earlier in the afternoon.
When preparing to leave the office earlier in the day, person A had come to me and asked for the key to the office. I simply asked "why" in a polite and, what I intended to be, nonthreatening and non-confrontational manner. The reason I asked this simple question is because I was in possession of the only existing key to the office and, as there had been a previous accusation of my losing a previous key, I wanted to be sure that I was not going to be further accused. Furthermore, as we all live and work together, I was wondering what the reasoning might be behind my handing over the key to person A. In any case, I still do not consider it an unreasonable question. He said "It doesn't matter. Just give it to me." To which I said "Yes, but first I would like to know why." This back-and-forth continued for a few minutes before Person A finally said "Because I need to give it to the cleaning lady so she can come in and clean the office before an interview tomorrow morning." It was a simple enough response and, as such, I gave him the key.
Once the meeting had progressed, it reached a fever's pitch regarding the above mentioned incident. Person X some-what-calmly informed me that, in asking "why" person A needed the key, I had disrespected person A in a most terrible way to which I again asked "Why?" because I am a stranger to the culture and did not understand my error. At this person A stood up and began yelling directly at me in a very loud and threatening manner, shaking and pointing his finger at me. When we tried to calm him down he increased the volume of his voice and, when Christine tried telling person X that person A's behavior was extremely disrespectful and unprofessional, person X smiply said "It's his turn to speak. Let him speak"... (notice he said "speak"...yelling is not speaking, it is attacking),
And so, person A continued to yell from a standing position for several minutes. During this display, he never once explained why my behavior had been disrespectful in the cultural context... he merelt accused me over and over again of not showing him the respect he "deserved." At first all his anger was directed solely at me and he accused me of being disrespectful in both the case of questioning his
need of the office key and in suggesting that he should be responsible for taking notes on the next weekly meeting - something else I had not realized was culturally disrespectful as we had all previously taken turns taking notes at other meetings. However, as his high volume rantings continued, he accused all of us for not "appreciating" the "sacrifices" that he and person X make for us such as riding public transportation home - and, as in the case of yesterday, taking public transportation home in the rain. (Its is also worth noting that we, the Scouts, never once asked person X and person A to take public transportation on our behalf. As I understand it, this decision was reached by members of the company staff as, with 4 scouts, 1 driver, and 2 members of the company, there is sadly not enough room to accommodate everyone in a single, 5-person car. Again, the lack of a second vehicle is not the fault of the Scouts and I find it insulting that anyone would imply that I forced them to suffer through public transport on my behalf. In fact, I would be more than willing to take public transportation myself if I were shown how and told where to go.)
After his rant was over, none of us were allowed the opportunity to respond, least of all me and although, after many more minutes of lecturing from person X, I was finally allowed to apologize to person A for any perceived disrespect, I was cut-off as I was trying to explain that I personally find it disrespectful that person A would not tell me why he needed to key - especially as it was for so insignificant a reason. At this point, I was informed that it "wasn't right" that I thought it disrespectful and although I had apologized, I never received an apology in exchange although I was certainly offended by not only his accusations but the way in which he sought to physically threaten us by standing over us, yelling, and pointing his finger violently. Needless to say, by the end of the meeting, I was extremely upset and remain so even to this point.
All of this is to prove the point that this is not simply an issue of cultural misunderstanding but a lack of respect. Although Nigerians appear to, in general, be a rather verbally expressive people, I have never once been yelled at or, in fact, spoken to in such a manner by anyone else. I believe this is because many other Nigerians recognize that, for people outside the Nigerian culture, this is incredibly rude and disrespectful and that, as guests in their culture, we are allowed a certain degree of compassion, patience and understanding. Clearly, we get none of these things from person A or person X."
Although I keep telling myself this is all part of the learning experience, I am also reminded that this is, unfortunately also a daily experience for me at both home and work. In fact, if it weren't for the support of my fellow Americans (and American-Togolese), I think I might be more tempted to look for a more homeward-bound solution to this situation.
And, of course, all of this somehow makes me look forward to my time in Togo all the more. I'm sure there will be cultural misunderstandings and I'm sure than, in time, people may even disrespect me there to but, in Togo, at least I'll have been trained to know what "respect" is in their cultural contect. And, more importantly, if everything goes to hell, at least my own house, my own space to disappear to when I just need a break from it all.
Count-down to Togo: 2 1/2 months.
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